Having a baby while your Spouse is Deployed

: Having a baby while your Spouse is Deployed ::

The birth of your child will be one of the most thrilling and emotional experiences in your life. Ideally, you will share this event with your spouse. But when you're a military wife, there is always the possibility that your husband will be away on deployment when your due date arrives. Even if your husband can't be there, it's possible to make sure that you have plenty of support before, during, and after your baby's arrival. There are also ways to help bridge the distance between you and your spouse, including him as much as possible in this special time, and smoothing the transition to parenthood for both of you.

Before your due date
The military offers many resources for expectant parents. You can learn what's available through your family or community support center. When you're pregnant, it's also important to do the following:

Be sure you are enrolled in the TRICARE region where you live. Otherwise, you will pay expensive point-of-service charges for your obstetric care.

Enroll in a childbirth or parenting class. Many installations offer a New Parent Support program, which provides education, home and hospital visits, and referrals to other programs and services. Prenatal and parenting classes will help prepare you for childbirth and teach you the basics of caring for a newborn. If your installation doesn't offer these classes, check with the hospital or medical treatment facility where you will give birth.

Meet other parents. If you are new to your installation, you can meet people by getting involved with volunteer organizations and spouse's clubs. Contact your family support center to learn what's available. Other parents can give you valuable advice and you can take comfort in knowing that there are people you can call on when you need help.

Ask a close friend or family member to be your labor coach. It can be reassuring to have a familiar face with you during childbirth and during childbirth classes as well. Through a program called Operation Special Delivery, you can sign up for the volunteer services of a "doula." A doula provides information as well as emotional and physical support during pregnancy, labor, and just after the baby is born. You can contact Operation Special Delivery at http://www.operationspecialdelivery.com or call the Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association at 1-888-692-2772.

Keep the phone number of your health care provider handy. It's a good idea to post this number by the telephone where you can find it quickly if you have a question or need advice.

Find out what support services your hospital or military treatment facility offers. Some facilities offer breastfeeding support for new mothers and 24-hour nurse hot lines to call when you have concerns about yourself or your newborn.

Prearrange check-in. Many facilities offer you the chance to complete check-in paperwork early. This means that you will have all the required paperwork done before you go into labor. Ask if you can take a tour so that you know exactly where you will need to go when you arrive at the hospital.

Prearrange transportation to the hospital. Make arrangements with a close friend, neighbor, or family member to drive you to the hospital when you are ready to give birth. Be sure to keep the person's cell phone number on hand.

Pack your bag ahead of time. That will give you one less thing to do when you go into labor.

Ask someone to take care of pets if you have any. Hire a pet-sitter or leave a key with a friend or neighbor. Show the person where you keep the pet food. If you have a dog, you might want to ask friends to bring it to their home or to a kennel until you return home. Be sure to keep that person's cell phone number on hand, too.

Obtain a medical power of attorney. Choose a family member or trusted friend to make medical decisions on your behalf in the event you are unable to do so. Your installation's Legal Assistance Office can help you with this.

Contact the local Red Cross. Find out what information the Red Cross will need in order to contact your husband if you can't locate him on your own when you go into labor.

Including your spouse during your pregnancy
Here are some ways you can help bridge the distance between you and your spouse as your pregnancy progresses:

Send your spouse ultrasound pictures. Ultrasounds are fairly routine today and you are likely to experience at least one during your pregnancy. Be sure to send the pictures to your husband so he can see for himself how the baby is developing.

Record your baby's heartbeat. Bring a tape recorder to a prenatal checkup when your health care provider checks the baby's heartbeat. Record the sound to send to your husband.

Send regular photographs of your growing belly. Take pictures every other week or weekly as your due date nears. The changes will be more obvious if you wear the same outfit and strike the same pose each week. Photographs like these can become a treasured record of your pregnancy.

Keep a journal and send it in weekly installments. You can describe the kicks and flutters as well as your thoughts about the progress of your pregnancy.

Send your husband a pregnancy book so he can read about the stages of pregnancy and track the baby's development. There are also many good pregnancy books written especially for fathers.

Find out whether the medical center where you will be delivering your baby will let your labor coach videotape or photograph the birth. Some places will allow videotaping before and after, but not during, the birth.

Consider sending a surprise celebration package in advance. You can address this to one of your husband's buddies or someone in his chain of command. Ask the person to keep it secret until the baby is born. You might want to include items like bubblegum cigars, plastic champagne glasses, and candy.

Helping your spouse connect with the birth
During the time when your baby is born, you'll want to be sure that your husband feels as connected and informed as he can, despite the distance. Here are some things you can do:

Bring a photograph of your spouse with you to the hospital. You can use it as a focus point to help you during labor.

Stay in touch by phone. If you can, call your husband when you go into labor and after the baby is born. If you aren't near a phone, ask a friend, family member, or your labor coach to call for you.

Ask the people who are with you to write down their thoughts and experiences. Your husband will get a better feel for what the day was like by reading what family, friends, and your labor coach have written. If you feel up to it, you may want to write down some memories, too.

E-mail a digital photo to your husband. If you have a digital camera, take a picture of your baby right after it's born and have a friend or family member e-mail it to your husband.

Have the friend or family member who is with you videotape the scene if you would like and if the hospital permits it. If you are prohibited from videotaping the birth, you may be able to record the scene before the birth and afterward, including the nurse bathing and measuring your newborn. When your husband returns, you can watch the videotape together.

Contact the leader of the volunteer family support group for your spouse's unit and the Rear Detachment Commander. They will want to know that you're in the hospital so others in the group can help support you.

When you and your baby return home
Life at home with a newborn takes some getting used to, as well as plenty of support.

Take care of yourself
It will take some time to recover from giving birth and to become familiar with your new routines. Be sure to:

Ask for help. A new baby requires some big adjustments and you may feel overwhelmed doing it all alone. Ask family, friends, and neighbors for advice. Take advantage of your hospital's support services and home visits through your installation's New Parent Support program (if the program is available at your location). If it's possible, ask a friend or family member to stay with you for the first few days as you get used to the responsibilities of caring for a baby.

Know the signs of depression. Keep in mind that many new mothers experience a mild, short-lived form of depression after childbirth -- sometimes referred to as the "baby blues." Symptoms include feelings of anxiety and sadness that usually start in the first few days after the birth and last for about a week to ten days.

Some new mothers experience a more serious form of depression called "postpartum depression," which can start any time within the first six months after the baby is born. Left untreated, it can last for up to a year or longer. Signs of postpartum depression can include crying; feelings of irritability, sadness, anger, or guilt; sleep problems; and mood swings. If you are having signs and symptoms of depression that don't lessen or go away within a few weeks, or if they interfere with your everyday life, call your doctor. If you are confused, having strange thoughts, or having thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, call your doctor immediately.

Help your husband celebrate
There are a few concrete things you can do to help your spouse celebrate your baby's arrival from a distance. Ask a friend, family member, or neighbor to help you with any packing or mailing you may need to do.

Help your spouse celebrate. If you didn't send an advance package, send a box of bubblegum cigars for your husband and his friends. Look for the kind with "It's a Boy!" or "It's a Girl!" printed on the band.

Send your husband the baby's hospital receiving blanket. This is a treasured keepsake that may help your husband feel close to his newborn baby. You might also send your husband one of the first outfits your baby wore or your baby's hospital identification bracelet.

Send videos and photographs of "firsts." Be sure to include your baby's first bath and first outing, as well as the moment your baby meets relatives for the first time.

Take a weekly photograph of your baby. This will let your husband see how quickly the baby changes. You might even want to photograph your baby in the same setting each time.

Send photocopies of the baby's medical checkup results. This is another way your husband can keep track of your baby's growth and development.

Keep a running list of thoughts about your baby, milestones in his or her development, and funny stories. Keep this by the phone so it will be handy when you and your husband speak.

Ask your spouse to record himself reading bedtime stories. Play these so your baby will become familiar with Dad's voice.

Prepare your spouse for the change at home. Your husband may not realize how much time and work a newborn requires, and he may be disappointed if he expects things to be the same when he returns home. Be sure to tell your husband about the baby's schedule, including night feedings. Talk about how the rhythms of your days have changed and how becoming a parent has shifted your own priorities.

When your spouse returns home
Once your husband returns home, he will need time and support in making the adjustment to fatherhood. Be sure to:

Give your husband time to get to know the new baby. Try not to be disappointed if your husband doesn't seem as attached to the baby as you are. It's likely to take some time for him to develop a bond with this new person in his life. Keep in mind that it is a big transition to move from a combat environment to a home with a new baby.

Let your spouse pitch in. You've been caring for the baby on your own and are probably comfortable with your routine. But it's important to teach your husband to take part in the baby's care. Taking an active role will help him become more confident as a father. And try to keep in mind that although your husband may do things differently from you, he's not necessarily doing them the "wrong" way.

Encourage your spouse to enroll in a parenting class. Many installations offer "Baby Boot Camp" programs for new parents. Check with your New Parent Support program or your family support center.

Encourage your husband to talk to other fathers. It can be comforting to talk with others who have had similar experiences. Your husband may pick up some tips or simply feel reassured that others have dealt with the same sorts of issues that he is dealing with now.

Ask your spouse to bring the baby to medical checkups or to go to the baby's medical appointments with you. Pediatrician appointments offer an opportunity to learn about the baby's care, to ask questions, and to learn what is and isn't normal for a baby.

Make an effort to spend time together as a couple. The two of you are likely to have a lot of catching up to do. Be sure to make time to hire a babysitter or ask a friend or relative to watch the baby while you and your spouse enjoy some time alone.

Other resources
Your installation's support services
Depending on your service branch, your Fleet and Family Support Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Airman and Family Readiness Center, or Army Community Service Center can provide you with information and support.

Military OneSource
This free 24-hour service, provided by the Department of Defense, is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members and their families. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues. You can reach the program by telephone at 1-800-342-9647 or through the Web site at http://www.militaryonesource.com.

This article was written with the help of Bettye H. Donley, M.S.W., Relocation Readiness Program Manager, U.S. Army Community & Family Support Center; and Mary Craig, former HQMC Section Head, Marine Corps Family Team Building.

© 2005 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved.

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